


A Strong Degree of Eroticism

by eeyore9990



Series: 30 Thankful Days (2016) [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Dick Pics, M/M, Merlin is a Little Shit (Kingsman), rate my dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 18:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8456476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeyore9990/pseuds/eeyore9990
Summary: When Harry receives a wrong number text with a dick pic attached, Merlin is so amused by his response that he sets up a tumblr account for Harry to review other dick pics because... well, it's a slow day in the office.In which our boys enjoy some mutual appreciation for each other's dicks before they even get naked.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lena_221b](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lena_221b/gifts).



> 30 Thankful Days, Day 2: Gift for Lena_221b.
> 
> \--
> 
> This was meant to be your birthday gift and I failed so spectacularly at finishing it in anything like enough time that I decided to add it to my 30TD list. Happy HO SHIT SO LATE Birthday, bb!

Harry heard the telltale buzz of his phone on his nightstand and rolled toward it, thumbing it on with a sigh. He hadn't been sleeping, not really, but he'd still held out _hope_ for sleep. And now, Kingsman was calling--

 

He squinted past the too-bright screen, brow wrinkling. It wasn't Kingsman. It wasn't even a call, apparently, but a text.

 

A text from an unknown number in Brighton that was nothing but a photo attachment of… Harry squinted again, trying to make it out. 

 

When he did, a puff of incredulous laughter burst from him and he shook his head, thumb hovering over the delete button before he pursed his lips in thought.

 

 ** _My dear boy,_** he quickly tapped out in a reply window, **_if you wish to intrigue your lover, it would be best to ensure that your genitalia is shown to advantage. As it is, the way you've framed your penis combined with the too-bright lighting in the room makes it appear as nothing more than a dry slug crawling upon the pavement. Try again. Try better. And may luck be with you because girth, sadly, is not._**

 

Sending the message, Harry took a moment to block the number before turning off his phone and rolling back into the middle of his bed. When he finally fell asleep, it was with a bit of a smirk on his face.

 

\--

 

"'A dry slug,' Galahad?" Merlin asked, spinning in his chair to pin Harry with a withering stare. 

 

Harry shrugged, unbuttoning his jacket. "It was after midnight, Merlin. I can't be expected to provide a suitably scathing text at that time of night."

 

Merlin hummed and went back to his screens, muttering, "I suppose it could have been worse. You might have tried to lecture the poor chap on manners."

 

"Honestly," Harry said, feeling righteousness swelling within him, "the boys these days. Sending unsolicited pictures of their--"

 

"How do you know it was unsolicited?" Merlin asked, his tone one of unflappable calm. So _reasonable_. 

 

Harry wanted to draw a target upon his bald pate and give the next batch of recruits those little rubber suction cup dart guns. His eyes glazed over as he considered how many of the children Merlin might _actually_ kill for the infraction of landing a bullseye.

 

"I'm quite familiar with that look." Merlin tapped a few keys, again without turning around. "And I can assure you that I am intimately familiar with a variety of ways of bringing you to within inches of death, so close that you beg for its sweet embrace."

 

Harry shrugged. "The pain would be worth it, surely." Then he stepped closer to Merlin, the activity on his screens finally capturing Harry's attention. "What are you doing? 'Rate my dick'? That's--"

 

"Absurd?"

 

"I was going to suggest crass, but absurd will do. Why on earth are you inviting random strangers to send in photos of their genitals?"

 

Merlin turned enough to cock an eyebrow at Harry. "Because you can do better than 'dry slug upon the pavement'... and because I have faith in the youth of our nation."

 

"Faith in their ability to humiliate themselves for your pleasure?"

 

"Precisely." Merlin held a finger up to his ear, posture going stiff and alert before he nodded once and muttered, " _Message received and transmitted._ " Turning fully to face Harry, he said, "One of those youths is requesting your presence. Unwin's boy's been nabbed by the coppers and is looking for an out."

 

Harry's eyebrows winged upward, his lips parting as he recalled pressing a medal into the hand of a small boy with wide, confused eyes. Tightening his jaw, Harry nodded once. "Send the location to my phone."

 

\--

 

Harry collapsed back against the thin mattress, sweat rolling down his brow as pain radiated throughout his entire body from his physio exercises. 

 

"Your boy has been asking for you," Merlin said from his spot in the corner of the hospital room, laptop perched upon his knees, fingers dancing gracefully across the keyboard.

 

"Hmm? And how is dear Eggsy doing?"

 

"Top three, surprisingly. If Arthur disapproves any harder at young Unwin's advancement, he'll suck his lips entirely into his face, never to be seen again."

 

"You paint quite the colourful picture," Harry muttered, grimacing. 

 

"Speaking of colourful pictures…" Merlin spun the computer around, letting Harry see the beautifully entrancing photograph that took up the entire screen. 

 

It was of a man stretched out on rumpled sheets, his hips canting up toward his hand, his cock hard and curving down toward his stomach. The entire image was bathed in a blue light, giving the feeling of waking, aching and desperate, at the deepest part of night, alone in a huge bed with nothing to satisfy but the touch of one's own hand. Harry's breath caught at the stark emotion captured by the image.

 

"That's…"

 

"Not the first time this person has submitted a photo for your approval."

 

Harry's head started shaking in denial before the final word was out of Merlin's mouth. "Highly doubtful. I've never seen anything that beautiful cross our inbox."

 

"Which would likely explain why you gave his prior submission a less than enthusiastic rating. Do you want to see it?" Merlin crooked his fingers over the touchpad, activating the pointer and dragging it over to the message box, waiting with raised brow for Harry to make a decision.

 

Harry pursed his lips, thinking, before he shook his head. "No. I'd like to rate this one free of influence."

 

Inclining his head, Merlin pushed back his chair and stood, smoothly unplugging the charging cord from the back of the laptop and bringing it over to set upon Harry's lap. "There you are, then. It's a wee cuppie for me; do _not_ fall asleep with that on your lap."

 

"One time," Harry grumbled, waving off Merlin when he paused near the door, likely to offer to bring Harry some tea when he returned.

 

But instead of leaving, Merlin tilted his head, eyes going a little bright with mirth as his lips twisted up in a smirk. "And try to avoid leaving anything… sticky… on the keypad."

 

Harry just shot him two fingers and rolled his eyes as Merlin's laugh trailed off down the hallway. Finally able to spend a moment really studying the picture, Harry found himself holding his breath, absolutely _entranced_ once more by the image. _This_ was the way genital photos should always be taken. 

 

With a shaky finger, Harry clicked on the reply button and blew out a breath, eyes tracing over the lines of the straining form once more.

> i’m not sure which was your first attempt, sender, but this is certainly much better.  
>  this is a striking picture with strong attention to detail. everything from your pose, to the framing, to the strange blue light permeating the shot is well thought out and carefully executed. the colour scheme and lighting help to tone down the overt sexuality, but your pose retains a strong degree of eroticism. 
> 
>  
> 
> it’s a very good dick pic, sender, and i can find little room for improvement. nice work.  
>  thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets an A+.[1]  
> 

He was just about to submit the critique when a noise at the door made him look up only to see Eggsy standing there, obviously just having returned from some strenuous activity as he was glistening with sweat, had a towel draped over his shoulders, and was wearing the tiniest shorts Harry had ever seen. Really, they were a bare scrap of material, so thin they might simply rip from Eggsy's backside at any moment. 

 

Which would be a shame, truly.

 

Harry sucked on his bottom teeth for a moment, contemplating that mental image, before he sighed and clicked to post the photo with his critique. He was in the process of closing the lid of the laptop when he heard a tell-tale whoosh coming from somewhere in the room and looked up to find Eggsy pulling a cell phone -- _where_ did he find room for it in those tiny shorts? -- from some hidden pocket. 

 

Setting the laptop to the side, Harry waited patiently for Eggsy to read whatever communication he'd just received, only to freeze when he heard Eggsy whoop with excitement and exclaim, "Too fuckin' right! A plus! Finally!"

 

His face must have been doing _something_ odd, because Eggsy looked up then and flushed a becoming shade of red before shoving the cell back in his shorts, tugging the waistband down as he did so to reveal a strip of skin between his shorts and the chest-hugging tee he was wearing on top. 

 

Clearing his throat, Harry asked softly, "A plus?"

 

"I, err. Nothin'. Just a… ah, a bet with Roxy. How'd physio go, then?"

 

"Well enough," Harry murmured dismissively as he fumbled to open the screen of the laptop once more. His fingers shook as he typed in his password, the screen blinking right back to the page he'd been on before shutting it, the picture of the man straining upward on the bed drawing his eye again. Glancing back and forth, Harry felt sweat break out along his brow, because actually… he could see it. Could see the way the lines of the male body shown to such beautiful relief against the sheets of the bed might be an exact match to the body standing more awkwardly by the minute in front of him. 

 

He could even see the pattern of hair that trailed from the navel down to the groin and… generally that wouldn't be enough, but Merlin said that the man had been critiqued before, so he ran his tongue over his lips to wet them a little before he asked softly, "And what made you decide to use the blue lighting this time?"

 

Eggsy went still, eyes flaring wide before his entire body seemed to jolt with alarm. "What… what are you talk--"

 

Harry slowly turned the laptop until the screen was pointing directly at Eggsy, showing off the photo as well as the rather lurid _Rate My Dick_ banner across the top of the page.

 

Eggsy pointed at it, mouth dropping open, then closing with a snap before parting again. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat."

 

"Merlin set it up for me," Harry admitted in a low voice, eyes trailing down Eggsy's torso again to linger at the place where his tiny shorts were straining across his hips. "I'd received a wrong number text photo and…" He shrugged, dragging his gaze back up to lock eyes with Eggsy. "Sometimes being a Kingsman isn't exactly exciting. It gave us something to alleviate the boredom."

 

"You been looking at pics of cocks all day and this is the first I know of it?"

 

Harry lifted a shoulder. "Would you have been interested in looking at them with me?"

 

Eggsy shifted from one foot to the other before he coughed quietly and grabbed the ends of the towel, arm muscles bunching as he tugged on it. "It's just… was that really you?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Two weeks ago, when… Ah, the self-portrait?" Eggsy made a semi-lewd gesture encompassing his groin area.

 

"Oh." Harry felt his cheeks grow warm, but didn't bother to break eye contact. "Of course."

 

"I thought, maybe Merlin, since you said he…"

 

"No. No, that was actually me, after I'd received one too many poorly framed shots of--" Harry cut himself off with a laboured cough. "Never mind that. Yes. It was me."

 

Eggsy licked his lips and took a small step forward, _his_ eyes trailing down the bed to where the sheets were gathered over Harry's lap. "It was inspiring, mate," he said, his voice dropping low and husky. "It's what I was looking at when…" He blew out a breath. "Well, before, really. Before I took that shot, I was looking at that pic, and, yeah. Yeah."

 

Without thinking, Harry flipped the blankets back from his legs, swinging his feet over the edge of the bed and moving to stand before he was reminded of his earlier exertions when his left thigh cramped up on him. Eggsy was there in a blink, grabbing him around the waist and steadying him, their bodies pressed flush.

 

"Perhaps you should get back in bed," Eggsy murmured softly, staring into Harry's eyes from inches away.

 

"Perhaps you should join me," Harry whispered back, lifting one eyebrow in challenge.

 

Eggsy's lips began to twitch into that cocky grin Harry had grown to enjoy so well just before they heard from beyond the closed door, "Do _not_ get anything sticky on that keyboard, boys!"

**Author's Note:**

> I borrowed the text of Harry's rating of Eggsy's dick pic from this post: https://lena221b.tumblr.com/post/146249474320/lets-try-this-again Warning for NSFW photo.


End file.
